October 26th 2016
Ever since I was born at a weight of over ten pounds, I’ve been bigger than the average person. At junior school I was known as Flubber (after the eponymous bouncing, jiggling ball of goo from the 1997 film), and I reigned as the permanent champion in the heavyweight division of our lunchtime wrestling federation due to limited competition because so few others were hefty enough to qualify. As a teenager, I would cook up and scoff down huge meat-filled omelettes with friends after school, or buy bags of chocolate-filled doughnuts with any spare change we could scrape together. We even pioneered the infamous ‘Mars Bar Challenge’, in which challengers would attempt to consume four king-size Mars bars – ludicrously containing over fifteen-hundred calories in total – in as quick a time as possible. As you may have guessed, my record went unbeaten (technically, at least – the only person to beat me threw up afterwards, disqualifying his effort).